When women earn more than men

It was not that long ago that women were content to keep house and wear a freshly-pressed apron whilst happily preparing their hard-working husband's dinner each day. How times have changed. Now you are just as likely to find a woman running a bank instead of - or as well as -running a household. But as the pay gap closes and women climb faster and further up the career ladder, are men feeling relieved or threatened at losing their breadwinner status?

Role reversal

Simon and Nicky, aged 34 and 30 have been married for four years and have a two-year old son, Tom. 'Without Nicky's salary, we would never have been to afford our lovely house,' says Simon. 'She earns almost twice as much as me but has never made an issue of that and we share every we have 50:50 so I have never felt undermined. We also have a pretty good system of teamwork for child care. Nicky has never given the impression that her work is more important than mine just because she is paid more,' he adds.

But not all men have such positive experiences. John, a chef, works longer hours than his girlfriend Hannah but earns a fraction of her salary. 'I can't deny it is galling that after regularly spending a 17-hour day in a baking hot kitchen, I crawl into bed in the early hours knowing that Hannah has worked a shorter day in an air-conditioned office and made more money than I will over the whole week. I know she tries to be sensitive and she works hard too but she likes to spend money on expensive holidays which I cannot contribute as much to and I think she sometimes forgets that I might feel embarrassed. I have to face facts that some professions such as mine and nursing or teaching, will always pay less.' But, adds John, 'I know she is incredibly proud of me and always asks about my work.'

Start talking

Women who earn more tend to behave very differently from men who are the breadwinners according to relationships and money expert Professor Jan Pahl. 'If the man earns more than the woman, he'll often claim some extra power. If the woman earns more, they both try to make that disappear,' she says. The key to avoiding difficulties, says Pahl, is to take the issue of money seriously and make sure it is discussed.

The best way to avoid money driving a wedge between you is to be completely open and honest from the beginning. If you suffer in silence then each tiny annoying comment or situation will add up to a big problem. It may be hard admitting you cannot afford to buy something or go somewhere but it is better to be straight with each other than run the risk of growing resentment.

You could also find that money is not the key to happiness for your high-flying girl. 'Louise didn't make me feel bad about her earning more,' says builder Rob, 'I made myself feel bad and then took it out on her with sulks and boozy nights out with my mates.' It was only after an argument about his behaviour that Rob confessed his real feelings of inadequacy and Louise had a confession, too. 'She told me she was not enjoying her City job and would prefer to re-train as a midwife and then perhaps try for a baby,' he says. 'I was stunned and then annoyed that we had both wasted so much time not being honest. It scares me to think that without that row, we might have split up and never known the real cause'.